Priceless Events (Archives)

[Xian Zhu Xuande]

On Requesting Name Changes:

Indeed I shall take all advice tendered under advisement... for it was my dearest wish not to be a bother, but to ask in such a matter that if a god were to notice it they might invoke their power. Surely, my poor request has provided fodder for much spam and the general wasting of time that passes for our conversation Verily, I will make haste to change my most humble request to one more fitting these strange and terrible gods... and who knows, when next you see me my head might be in the shape of a turnip or radish or something even more horrible and wonderous. Till then dear friends... farewell...

Well you should be more cautious when taking advice, Chen... They're all lying to you. The real best way to get your username changed is as follows...

You'll have to wait a few more days for the autumnal equinox, as Admins are known to fly south for the summer. Once the first leaves start to turn orange and fall from trees, they'll migrate back to their colder environs. Along this journey, the magestic Admin will find itself faced with all kinds of perils: Swimming upstream, crossing the street against the light, and the polar bear from Lost. These trials will quickly slough away the migratory layer of fat that the Admin gained when it burst forth from its cocoon just prior to the equinox, requiring nourishment to maintain its million mile journey home.

THIS IS YOUR CHANCE!

Here's what you'll need: A cardboard box, a plate, ten to fifteen (10-15) D20s, a stick, a length of rope, a square of cardboard, a sharpee pen, and a faux bush. Place the dice onto the plate, and prop the box up with the stick. With your sharpee, write on the square of cardboard "FREE D20S!!!!" and place it to the right of the box (your right, the box's left). Finally, set up the faux bush to the left of the box (your left, the box's right) and hide behind it with the rope securely tied to the stick. Now, wait. Eventually, a wandering Admin will poke its head out of its hole. Provided that the Admin does not see its shadow, it will be enticed by the promise of its favorite delicacy: The Enumerated Dodecahedron. Should the Admin see you, it will immediately grow to 50 times its size and... Shall we say the result will not be pretty? (But certainly cute!) Hence you are hidden behind your bush! Lucky you! When the Admin scampers to the plate, quickly yank the stick and trap him or her in the box! Hurrah!

But you're not finished yet, nossir. You merely have an Admin-in-a-box. How can they change your name while in a box? The first thing you'll have to do is wait a little longer. Inside a box is not the natural habitat for the wild Admin--the domesticated breed, certainly, but unless you're in The Czech Republic good luck with that--which naturally leads to a great deal of confusion and frustration for the little tyke. In turn, this naturally leads to the little tyke growing to 50 times its size and eating your face off if you let it out in this condition. The good news is that an evolved trait of the Admin is that when in danger, in the dark, confused, or just plain bored it will get hungry. Lucky for you--not so lucky for the dice--it's all four of these conditions at once! Once its hunger is properly sated, you may proceed.

Signal your (mostly) non-hostile intentions via interperative dance. Do not worry that the Admin cannot see you, he or she will "see" the vibrations caused by your dance and smell the pherimones you produce. This will place them in a receptive state, but receptive to what is another matter... Therefore, you must recite the Warrior's Prayer to gain their favor:

Gods of war I call You. My sword is by my side.
I seek a life of honor, free from all false pride.
I will crack the whip with a bold mighty hail.
Cover me with death if I should ever fail.

Glory, Majesty, Unity!
Hail! Hail! Hail!

Now you're ready. Gently lift the box and whisper your question. However, be certain to phrase it in the form of a statement, somewhat like the opposite of Jeopardy, but do not do so in the form of a request. (Example: "What's the meaning of life?" UNACCEPTABLE "TELL ME THE MEANING OF LIFE!" UNACCEPTABLE "The meaning of life would be nice to know." ACCEPTABLE.) There will be a brief glow followed by a blinding light. When you overturn the box, the Admin will no longer be there, but people will soon start referring to you by your new name. Congratulations! You have been eaten by a grue!

LIES! Don't listen to him Chen Ning! The Artist! The Artist Formerly Known as Chen Ning! Uhm, that symbol you are! Whatever it is that you go by!

The catching of the Admin is a myth, it hasn't happened in AGES! I heard of a man, once, who attempted it, and after his attempt, OH THE HORROR! I heard of him no more! He was written out of history, even as I try to whisper his name, it can not be uttered.

If you follow LS's words, you have sealed your fate to a fate that will never again be unsealable once you seal it! For a box is no place for the wild Admin, nay, as soon as soon as the box was turned over, the Admin was not gone, but upon us! And we ran, and ran, and ran. Until tiredly, he said to me "But we cannot out run the Admin." To which I replied "I only need outrun you!"

And hence forth, due to my sacrifice of dice and friend (or at least some guy I knew - kind of), I was known as Dro ... sometimes refered to as Doctor.

And now, Chen Ning, now that you know the price for a name change, can you stomach to go through with it? For it will not be just your name that is changed, but also your being, your soul, and your outlook on life.

That's because you failed to properly recite The Warrior's Prayer. You can't just say it... You have to believe it.

You wouldn't say I was spreading treasonous lies if you were there, man! I survived because I could run faster, and it wasn't until after he was taken that I became Dro.

It was him and his name that was stripped to give me mine.

Weeee-erlll.... Yeah... I mean, names don't just grow on trees. But the good news is that if you're there by yourself, you don't have to see where the new name comes from, right?

It's the difference between eating a steak and working in a slaughterhouse.

[Harimau]

"Lady Lu Lu; I'll be sure to remember that. I hope you can forgive my ignorance; it just never dawned upon myself that you would be Minister Yang's secretary. With how you carry yourself, I'd have made you to been the beautiful wife of another minister, hear to pay Minister Yang a visit. Truly, a vision of grace" Min smiled once again as he spoke, his tone warm and friendly, yet carrying a slight undertone of intimidation upon his part. His eyes flitted to the door as she announced his busily packed day, and he gave an understanding 'Ah'. Min slowly examined the form, before casting a look up at the woman.

"Interesting. Well, I would be most grateful to you, Lady Lu Lu, if you'd be so kind as to hold the appointment with Imperial Clerk Yang; although it is not of urgent importance, I nonetheless would be greatly reassured if I were allowed to visit with him." Smiling in a comforting manner once again, he slowly lifted the parchment, examining the questions with an approving nod, before quickly filling the form out, and returning it to the secretary.

Applicant's Name: Hua Wai Zhi Min
Applicant's position: As Yet, Unfilled
Reason for filling out this Loyalty Examination: Request Duties on Behalf of Imperial Clerk Yang Treasonable Offense?: Yes/No (Circle One)
Question 1: Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of a secret society or affiliated with Liutraitors and/or Yuanscum? Yes/No (Circle one)
Question 2: Fill in the blank: A Liu, a Yuan, and a Taoist walk into a tavern:
The tavern is thusly burned down by the mobs of fervernt Zheng supporters praising the Son of Heaven and his esteemed officer core, particularily Yang Song.
Question 3: Where is the best place to stab a Liutraitor/Yuanscum/Taoist and why?
Through the throat, to allow the proucrement of their heads for mounting, serving as warning for all else that dare be foolish enough to challenge the Zheng
Question 4: What is your worst fear?
Failing in the defense of the Zheng, and losing the two great lights of its power, the Son of Heaven and Imperial Clerk Yang.
Question 5: What was your worst act of treason?
Failing to kill a Yuan as he galloped cowardly through my village; only merely wounding him.
Question 6: Zheng Gongdi's favorite color is Yellow. What is your favorite color?
Yellow.
Question 7: Is your bureaucratic superior a traitor? How can you tell?
No. Imperial Clerk Yang is the bastion of loyalty to the Zheng.
Question 9: Is this Question 8? Yes/No (Circle One)
Please draw a picture of a Liutraitor/Yuanscum/Taoist in the space below:

(Original Post: viewtopic.php?p=991304#p991304)

[Liu Sun]

From the V3 Archery Tournament! (With guest commentators Lu Bu and Pei Yuanshao!

Why Ma Yuanping did not have Archer (e)

(In case someone asks why the practice shots are posted and not PMed, it's because it hardly makes any sense in an RP environment if you're going to take practice shots in front of everyone and not have them see how you went.)

Practice Shots, Round 1:

Name: Ma Yuan Ping
Distance: 30 Metres

1. The arrow leaves the bow, but it falls down the ravine...
2. The arrow leaves the bow with great force, reaching a distance of around 165 metres.
3. The arrow leaves the bow, but it falls down the ravine...
4. The arrow leaves the bow, but it falls down the ravine...
5. The arrow leaves the bow, but it falls down the ravine...
6. The arrow leaves the bow, but it falls down the ravine...
7. Ma Yuan Ping aims his bow directly ahead at the sky above him, and fires a tremendous shot. As expected, the arrow reached a great distance directly above Ma Yuan Ping, and fell back down again... On Ma Yuan Ping's shoulder. (11% Injury)
(Note that the next shots are adjusted for your downgrade in war)
8. The shot went quite a bit further than the others, reaching around 45 metres away from you. It still missed the dummy target, though.
9. The shot went just a bit under what was necessary, reaching a distance of 23 metres.
10. The shot was close, reaching a distance of 28.75 metres.

Yuanping had the round off, so he decided to test some things. With a trusty TI-83 abacus beside him, he surely would be able to determine the physics of archery. That dummy would have ten shafts in him quicker then one could say "BOOM! Headshot!". And so he knocked the first arrow. Knowing his own height and the rate at which things fell (a rare thing for that day, to be sure), once the distance from his bow was determined he could easily figure out just how powerful his shot was. A few beads later on the abacus and he'd be ready to go. However, to his dismay his first shot dropped into a ravine. You can't really measure distances in a ravine, so he tried again, varying it up a bit each time with the intent to confirm results. But they all fell into the ravine. So, he decided to make sure the bow was not faulty. Aiming up and sending one clean over the target into a distant cliff confirmed that it indeed was not. Thus it confused him that his shots should be so ravine-bound, when any arrow shot powerfully, even when parallel to the ground, should really have no problem getting somewhere. Deciding at last that the heavens in their holy abhorrence of scientific progress some 1600 years before Newton were conspiring to defeat such efforts, he went for more conventional shots. Until, that is, he wanted to see just what kind of effect the wind has on an arrow. Assuming wind moves principally in a horizontal direction, does that just slow an arrow moving into it from that direction, or does it apply a certain and constant force? Certainly a question for the ages. Knocking his bow and looking as precisely straight up as he could, he let loose an arrow. His results seemed to confirm the first hypothesis (probably because there was no wind), as it flew almost precisely straight upwards several hundred feet into the air.

Meanwhile, the heavens, watching in fear of scientific progress, were not happy. With a few simple nudges, the band turned the arrow around and sent it straight back to the sender. Feeling particularily mischevious and desiring to show up Newton again, they also accelerated the arrow. A lot. Alas, poor Ma Yuanping was not prepared to cope with such unnatural acceleration due to non-gravitational forces. He managed to barely move his head out of the way, though his shoulder was not spared the wrath of the gods. It was a painful wrath, and very disparaging to the innovative scientist, who swore off further work for the sake of his own health at once and stumbled off to find a medic. Deciding any further innovation was too risky when his principal field was the work of state, he reluctantly threw out diagrams for weapons that use explosive material to project metal, a giant metal device that pressed stamped character blocks covered in ink into paper, and a large winged device that could sail through the air as a bird.

Overlooking the participants on the archery field, a rather bored looking warrior sat, his chin resting on his fist as he hunched over the commentary table that had been set up for him. As participants missed shot after shot, it was all the man could do to keep from walking off to do something more interesting. Like listening to that bald buffoon talk about his 'coin.'

"Hmph, are all of you cross-eyed? A blind man could hit the target better than any of you fools," the disgruntled commentator muttered. "I pray to the gods the actual competition is better than this, or I'm out of here."

Of all the participants taking practice shots, one caught his attention immediately, though more for the fact that he decided to shoot straight up into the air, then stood there and get hit when the arrow fell back to the earth. The guest commentator had to rub his eyes and shake his head out, as if disbelieving what he had seen. Yet despite that, it was plain to see that what had just happened was true. The fool had just shot himself.

Pointing at Ma Yuan Ping, the man tried to speak, but his words of derision were completely swallowed up by uncontrolable laughter. "Heh... Ha. Ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Why men should avoid Vail An

Vail An took up her position and began to fire her arrows. Her first four arrows struck true, with one them striking directly into what would have been the dummy's most precious possession had it been alive. Each of the shots were awarded a base 3 points, with the one special "killer" shot being awarded a bonus 10 points for brutality.

Terminally bored, the warrior struggled to remain concious as he watched the archers, who had finished their practice rounds returned to the range in order to compete for real. After the horrendous showing earlier, he wasn't sure there would be anything worth commenting about and it took all his martial discipline to maintain alertness.

He sighed deeply as he watched a few barely hit the target, or not at all, in one instance.

"Hmph, this seems barely worth saying anything about, but where did you fools learn to shoot?" he shouted in annoyance in the direction of Shi Wangxuan, Zhi Yin and Xiameng Cia. Then he glanced lazily toward Liu Yi and snorted. "And you, you worthless sack of flesh. Go home to your mother and suckle on her teat. That's all a little baby like you can manage, with shooting that lousy."

Disgusted, he began to stand so he could leave this face, when he witnessed the likes of Taishi Guang sinking arrow after arrow into the target, like a master. Deciding to see how well he'd do, the warrior seated himself once more and watched. Two others, Lei Xun and Chen Ping, likewise showed deft prowess with the bow. Such a sight moved even his stone cold heart and he gave a polite clap in recognition of their accomplishment.

"Hmph, so there are some with some inkling of skill after all," he remarked offhanded. "Perhaps this might be worth watching after all."

It was then he saw the one shot that gave him pause, as Vail An's arrow imbedded itself right between the dummy's legs.

"It would be a woman to make that kind of shot," he muttered under his breath.

Pei Yuanshao hovered near big brother. Having been forced to sit down and watch the archery show featuring contestants of varied skill, the small bald man had become so restless he stood and paced about in random fashion. He even mumbled to himself a bit.

He wondered when Fengxian and he could continue on their journey for the Great Teacher's coin....afterall, Yuanshao had no idea who this Guang Zhang [Huang Zhong] even was - and why he'd somehow steered the brothers into sitting around for...for this.

Lost in his own little world (though always wary of Lu Bu's exact location), the former turban wondered closer to the archers. He glanced about, not looking at anything in particular until his eyes caught a rapid movement and accompanying "thwack!".

Spinning his body and head round to the source, Yuanshao's eyes widened as he saw where an arrow had hit the poor sap of a dummy....square in the crotch.

One horrified gasp and weakening of the legs later, he glared at Vail An in passing and headed for brother (making sure to cover his crotch area anytime he was near the female archer from now on), a tad dizzy as he couldn't help but imagine the sickening pain of it all.

Back by Fengxian, the stocky, bald man sat by him still with horror etched into his features. He tried to mumble something to brother, and went quiet after. At least he felt absolutely safe by this big warrior...